


Maybe I Should Just Stop Moving, Cause I'm Always the Same No Matter Where I Am.

by Velocity_Owl87



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Career Ending Injuries, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Families of Choice, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Introspection, Major Character Injury, Mentor/Protégé, Multi, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-20 22:34:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13727379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velocity_Owl87/pseuds/Velocity_Owl87
Summary: Qui Gon survived his encounter with Maul, only to end up terribly wounded stopping an assassination attempt on his erstwhile padawan and grandpadawans.  Now temple bound and forced into semi-retirement, Qui Gon and Obi Wan navigate through a blossoming relationship, Qui Gon's limitations and a new mentor ship to Ahsoka Tano.It's not a life or a path he'd expected to find himself on, but Qui Gon will do his best to navigate it. Even if means being vulnerable, honest, and somehow even bonding with a too clingy Tooka.





	1. A Change of Scenery is Calling Me

**Author's Note:**

> So this was basically an idea that happened after I finished watching "The Commuter". Two things struck me about it-The character being a mentor to his son and reading the same books that his son was reading to encourage him, and the idea of facing retirement and trying to figure out the what next.

It was far too quiet in the quarters that they had shared for so many years together and it unnerved Obi Wan in more ways than he had ever guessed. It wasn’t familiar to him any longer. Not in the way it had been when he had been his Master’s padawan after a long dark period for both of them. 

It had changed. Qui Gon had less plants in the room than he remembered. The Force Sensitive vine was there, drooping despondently in a reflection of its’ owners state of being in that time. A few other succulents were scattered about the shelves and little mechanical odds and ends peeked through the spaces not taken up by the pretty rocks Obi Wan himself had put there. 

The arrangement was different enough to make Obi Wan wonder if Qui Gon himself had done it or if Anakin himself had in the years since he had moved in as Qui Gon’s student. It made Obi Wan just this side of wistful that he hadn’t been around to know these things. He had been busy and his missions and Qui Gon’s hadn’t really dovetailed that much until the last battle on Christophsis.

He shook his head, wincing at the remembered pain of a bad concussion and moved away from the shelves and shuffled off to sit on the overstuffed and comfortable chair that Anakin, the less battered out of all of them, had thoughtfully moved form Obi Wan’s own quarters. He settled himself down painfully, wincing at the dull pain in his braced ribs as he did so and felt as if he was at least twenty years older than he actually was. He rubbed his sore knee and turned to the still form lying on the bed, unconscious and blissfully unaware of the changes in his world.

Out of all the endings that Obi Wan had ever imagined for himself and his Master, this hadn’t ever been one of them.

Death for himself. Death for Qui Gon. He grimaced at the thought, but knew that it wouldn’t do to pretend that wouldn’t be an outcome. As much as that made his chest ache with a hollow pain and his stomach, it  _ was _ the most likely outcome for Jedi. The job lasted until the pyre was lit. They all had to have a realistic view of what being a Jedi meant and ignoring their mortality wouldn’t do anyone any favours. 

He swallowed hard and scrubbed a bandaged hand over his face, wincing at the pressure on the still healing burns. Bacta could only do so much and ever since the explosion, when they had been running themselves even  _ more _ ragged than before, there simply hadn’t been enough time for him to stay in Bacta. With Qui Gon out of commission, they simply couldn’t afford to have him and Anakin out for longer than necessary. 

“It will scar some.” 

Vokara had warned him when he had been pulled out of the bacta and patched up with even more bacta bandages and braces for his knee and still tender ribs. Butterfly patches over the gashes above his eyebrow and on his cheekbone. He knew he was lucky that he hadn’t gotten any shrapnel in his eyes.  A small bit of scarring was the least of his worries. They were Jedi, it came with the territory.

He sighed and looked, really looked at the reason why he and Anakin hadn’t gotten ripped in half once their ship had exploded on the dock. They suspected that it was the Death Watch, since they had been on Mandalore trying to keep Satine’s position in place before the clans tore themselves apart. Or maybe the Separatists. Obi Wan had not a clue and hadn’t bothered to ask. 

Anakin had also been quiet, but it wasn’t unusual for him. Especially with how busy he was with Ahsoka and quite possibly, Padme. He only had a suspicion that was the case and he knew that he and Qui Gon would have to have a talk about attachments with him. Or at least get him to be a bit more tactful and subtle if he was heading in that direction. 

That would come later. Obi Wan knew very well that he was distracting himself from the matter at hand by thinking of tasks that could very well be put off. 

Obi Wan’s eyes slid down Qui Gon’s bruised and pink scarred face and shoulders, down to the left sleeve that hid the truncated arm. Anakin had been the less concussed out of the two of them and had wrapped a tourniquet around it to stop Qui Gon from bleeding to death. Obi Wan had been too stunned and in pain himself to do anything else but watch Anakin scream for medics, who arrived promptly and whisked all of them away.

He must have passed out at some point, since the next thing he knew, he was getting pulled out of a bacta tank and vomiting over the side of his bed at the sudden change in atmosphere. He was handed a tissue and given some water by a sympathetic Anakin while Ahsoka hovered in the background. She had tried to not be anxious, but it showed in the stiff set of her shoulders and how she chewed on her bottom lip when she looked around the medical bay. 

“Do I look that bad?”

He had tried to joke, but Anakin’s pained grimace was enough to tell him his joke had fallen flat. His face had the shiny pink of just barely healed tissue and he was holding himself a tad stiffly, telling Obi Wan that he wasn’t a hundred percent himself yet. He was also only just keeping it together, his Force signature uncontrolled and sparkling with live energy that was making Obi Wan somewhat queasy as it thrummed through their bond. 

“Qui Gon’s going to be in Bacta for five days.”

Anakin supplied the answer to the question that he could feel Obi Wan shaping in his own mind. Obi Wan nodded to himself and sipped more of the water to soothe his parched throat and ease the sticky sweet taste of the Bacta out of his mouth.

He spat out some in a basin that one of the healers provided and drank the rest, feeling more like himself and a hundred times better than when he had just been pulled out of the bacta. He was given another glass of water and downed with alacrity under Anakin and Ahsoka’s watchful eyes before he attempted to ask anything else.

“It’s that bad?”

Ahsoka paled to a lighter shade of orange and Anakin’s mouth opened and closed a few times as he tried to figure out exactly how to tell Obi Wan about the laundry list of injuries Qui Gon had suffered in his efforts to save them from the worst of the blast. They both looked at each other then, silent communication going on between them when Healer Che came into the room. 

With one practiced glance, she read what was going on and shooed Anakin and Ahsoka out with brisk efficiency, promising them Obi Wan in half an hour or so.

“I have no doubt that you’re asking about Master Jinn and his condition.”

She gave him a look that made him want to duck his head as if he was a mere padawan and had been brought in after giving in with ill grace. He didn’t, but it was a near thing. 

“You got yourself a serious concussion, four broken ribs, a dislocated knee and more cuts and scrapes that I care to count. You also have second degree burns on your hand. But that will heal.”

She rattled off the injuries while she bandaged him up and helped him get his least complicated set of robes on. Once he was looking more or less presentable and able to somewhat move without too much assistance, Che led him to the bacta tank where he-

Obi Wan shut his eyes and pressed his fingertips to his closed eyelids in an effort to not remember the mutilated body of his Master, his  _ love _ , as he floated listlessly in the Bacta. His arm gone and his leg sporting a brutal line of stapled together flesh that not even a five day soak in bacta would completely eradicate. Obi Wan also remembered the pink, puckered skin on the left side of Qui Gon’s face and what remained of his arm as well as the short hair. 

He opened his eyes and smiled a small, bitter smile at the sight of Qui Gon’s cropped silver brown hair, something that he again hadn’t ever thought he’d get to see. Only Master Yoda recalled a time when Qui Gon had short hair. As far as anyone recalled, Qui Gon had always had his long hair and that wouldn’t ever change. Yet it had and Obi Wan was bearing witness to it. Just like he’d never thought he’d be keeping watch over him only to deliver him to the judgement of the Council. 

Obi Wan was dreading this task, since he knew exactly what the verdict would be. Vokara hadn’t pulled any punches after Qui Gon had been pulled out of the bacta, shivering and unable to focus due to the now milky white pupil of his left eye and damage to that ear. Obi Wan had listened while Ahsoka and Anakin had done their best to re-orient their grandmaster.

He had wanted to be the one right there, murmuring comforting words to bring Qui Gon back to the present and helping him on the road to recovery. Except that when he did try, Qui Gon fought hard and he was relegated to hanging back once they had realised that Qui Gon was agitated whenever he laid his good eye on Obi Wan. He still thought that Obi Wan was in danger and his instinct had been to save him. Once they had all understood,  it had been decided that it was best for Obi Wan to try and talk to him at a later time. Preferably after Anakin and Ahsoka had gotten him calm and coherent again.

“He’s done as a field operative. Even with cybernetics, he’s not going to be the fighter he was. The leg has healed as much as it ever will. I’m sorry for that. But it’s better than him being dead. Even if he may not see it like that at this time.”

Healer Che had looked at him with some sympathy and roughly patted his shoulder.

“I don’t envy you the next task, but with you Skywalker and Tano, he will be fine.”

Obi Wan had only nodded at that, not really sharing her optimism. Qui Gon was horribly unpredictable. Even Obi Wan, with all his years beside Qui Gon, couldn’t ever really predict his behaviour a hundred percent. 

He could either withdraw, or rage. Those were the only two things that he was sure would happen. 

He wasn’t looking forward to either of those reactions, if he was honest. But then, he was the only one that was more or less equipped to deal with them. Anakin wasn’t the most stable of them and Ahsoka was still a youngling. 

He was the only one left and the only one that loved Qui Gon in that way.

Obi Wan sat back and chewed on his bottom lip as he collected himself in preparation to wake Qui Gon. He gave it a few moments before he closed his eyes and prodded at their bond, faint and only a small line of bright green, but there. He waited before trying it again, finally getting it to its usual near incandescent green.

It was then that he felt the sharpness of awareness and it was then that he opened his eyes to have Qui Gon staring at him with a much too penetrating stare.One eye was still milky and sightless, but the other was still navy blue and focused on him. 

Qui Gon stared at him for a few moments, his gaze assessing and penetrating before he smiled and reached over to fold Obi Wan into his arms. 

It wasn’t the most graceful embraces that they had shared, since it was off balance and the feel of one arm across his back instead of two threw him off, but the warmth and feel of Qui Gon’s chest made him forget all that. Just hearing Qui Gon’s steady heartbeat under his ear was enough to make him breathe a sigh of relief. 

He had his love back. They would be able to deal with the rest, no matter what that would be.

“I’m glad you’re safe, Obi.”

Qui Gon whispered, his voice cracked and slightly too loud as he spoke. 

Obi Wan winced, but couldn’t help but to shiver at the sound of that low voice he was afraid he’d not hear again.

“I am. As are Anakin and Ahsoka. You had us worried for a bit.”

Qui Gon,Obi Wan had noticed, had tilted his head so that his right ear was facing Obi Wan. Once he had done that, he hummed in agreement. It made the bond between them go brighter and then pulse as Qui Gon took stock of all the injuries he had suffered. He waited, not wanting to move or say anything in case Qui Gon lost control of himself once he realised the extent of the damage. The bond flared once or twice, but Qui Gon’s serenity didn’t waver. Nor did it darken into the beginnings of despair, something that Obi Wan was fearing would happen.

Even though it hadn’t happened yet, Obi Wan made a mental note to keep it in mind in the next few months as the transition phase would happen. He shivered at the thought, hoping he wasn’t right. But he knew, just like whenever he got Force nudges, he probably was.

“It’s bad.”

Qui Gon finally said, his voice curiously flat as he made the statement.

“You did take the brunt of an explosion.”

Obi Wan murmured, making Qui Gon huff out a raspy laugh.

“I’d do it again if I had to.”

Qui Gon assured him, making Obi Wan’s heart break just a bit, because he knew that Qui Gon meant every word. Even at the detriment of himself and his calling as a Jedi, he valued his apprentices highly and had sacrificed so much to keep them safe. 

“And nothing you can say can convince me otherwise. So save your breath, Obi Wan. It’s done.”

Qui Gon admonished him, his voice only mock stern as he pulled away and tilting Obi Wan’s face up to his. Their eyes met and Obi Wan inhaled sharply as he looked into Qui Gon’s eyes, the ruined one still difficult to get used to. He wanted to look away, since it was as intense as staring into a supernova. It always had been that way with Qui Gon, Obi Wan realised as he took in the careworn and changed planes of his former Master’s face.

He just hadn’t had an instance to acknowledge it until now, when it and Qui Gon, were literally staring at him in the face. 

The idea of not having that in his life, not being able to look at him in anything but holos and his own memories made Obi Wan’s face crumple. He didn’t think anymore of consequences or his actions. He was just so  _ tired  _ of being silent. Of being selfless and comforting himself with the cold comfort of the righteousness of the Code.

He had nearly lost Qui Gon. Again. And the possibility of loss still hadn’t gotten any easier. No matter how much he had released his feelings of attachment to the force, they still remained. Especially the ones regarding Qui Gon, Anakin, and Ahsoka.

He loved them and he was going to be proper kriffed if he was just going to stand by and watch them die without them knowing that.

Particularly this beat up old fool in front of him.

That was the reason that ran through his mind and the bond as he grabbed Qui Gon’s robe and pulled him in for a forceful kiss, his words failing him for just that one moment in time.

It wasn’t the kiss that he’d imagined sharing with Qui Gon. It was desperate, sharp, tasting of the residual bacta sweetness and saltiness of his own tears. It wasn’t perfect, but it was more than he had ever expected to have with Qui Gon and he’d treasure it. He’d never regret this impulsive act, Even if Qui Gon himself did. 

At least he’d have told the truth in his heart and why Qui Gon’s sacrifice would have gutted him if it had been successful.

He pulled away once both of them were running out of air, both breathing heavily once the kiss was ended. Qui Gon looked surprised, but there was no sign of displeasure in his face or in their bond. In fact, it was quivering and pulsing with relief and joy at finally getting a much longed for outcome. It made a tentative smile cross Obi Wan’s face, but it didn’t stop the words he desperately needed to say.

“We could have lost you, you noble fool! How could it have been worth it if I had to live without you? How could you ask that of me  _ again? _ ”

Qui Gon closed his eyes and turned his face, a faint blush staining his cheekbones as he did. 

“I didn’t know and didn’t know how to ask. I didn’t want to presume. Or impose my feelings on you. I didn’t want a forced or lukewarm love from you.  _ I want you. _ ”

Obi Wan swallowed hard at the blunt admission of love. 

“You  _ always _ had me, Qui. If you had only said the word, I would have come.”

Obi Wan explained softly, making Qui Gon shake his head and laugh. He had to, or else he’d just start crying over the years wasted to longing and unrequited love. 

“But Satine? You feel for her, don’t you?”

It was Obi Wan’s turn to blush at the question.

“I won’t deny that I do. She is an amazing woman and I’ll probably love her for a long time. If not the rest of my life. But you also loved Tahl, Qui. Does your love for her diminish the love you have for me?”

Qui Gon huffed out a rough, shuddering sigh at that as he leaned closer to Obi Wan. 

“Not at all. It strengthens it because it taught me to appreciate the love I have. Nothing is guaranteed.”

He replied in his now roughened voice. His eyes were drooping slightly and Obi Wan felt slightly guilty at wearing him out, but he couldn’t have put it off any longer. He had nearly lost him again and he was kriffed if he would remain silent about his feelings. Force knew that third chances were quite thin on the ground, especially with how the war was going. 

“Exactly. The love I carry for her doesn’t diminish what we could have. What we can have and I won’t let this chance slip through my fingers again. Not if I can help it.”

Qui Gon laughed and pressed another kiss at the corner of Obi Wan’s mouth, ruining the moment with a jaw cracking yawn.

“As much as I’d like to continue, you need to sleep. I promise I’ll still be here. Not bloody likely I’ll be on the battlefield anytime soon.”

Obi Wan rejoined, standing up slowly and carefully, lest his still healing injuries give him grief and helped as best as he could with getting Qui Gon into bed and comfortable again. 

“Sleep. You need it.”

He couldn’t bend over and give him a kiss as much as he wanted to, so he did the next best thing and took Qui Gon’s remaining hand and pressed it to his mouth, kissing the palm. 

Qui Gon smiled sleepily at Obi Wan and pulled his arm under the blanket, falling asleep in mere moments.

The bond hummed happily and Obi Wan let out a sigh of relief. He didn’t know how long this calm would last, but he would take the advice of his former Master now lover and live in the moment. 

And if he  _ did _ cheat a little and use the Unifying Force to reassure himself, no one else had to know. 

~*~*~*~*~


	2. I've Seen Miracles Move In Reverse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Qui Gon's calm has passed. Anakin and Obi Wan have been recalled to the battlefield and Qui Gon has to cope with being alone, his imminent retirement, and not screwing up the chance he has with Obi Wan.  
> Adrift and somewhat lost, he ends up finding a purpose and a companion in an academically struggling Ahsoka and a pitiful, half starved Tooka.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...This kind of ran away from me, but I like the result. Qui Gon and Ahsoka get the spotlight here. Proofed, but if errors happen, they will be fixed alter. Title comes from Manic Street Preacher's "Show me the wonder"

Qui Gon frowned at the cybernetic hand, annoyed at the lag that had been plaguing him for the last couple of weeks. He sighed in irritation, but instead put the glove that he had been using to cover it on. He’d get it looked at after his appointments and get it sorted. Maybe even get that synth skin tech he had heard some of the techs talking about the last time he had been in the shop.

He personally didn’t care, but he had seen the slight wince that had crossed Obi Wan’s face when he left it with all the circuitry exposed. Despite knowing that it was a price Qui Gon had paid willingly, the sight still hurt Obi Wan to see. 

He understood that pain all too well, since he would feel it himself whenever he saw Anakin training with the glove off. He had always felt like he should have been faster, should have been smarter and not gotten himself injured before, he would have been able to prevent Anakin’s mutilation. Even though he had released those feelings to the Force, he was only human and had nearly lessened the sting of the memory and accepted it.

He just hoped that Obi Wan wouldn’t punish himself so harshly whenever he would look at Qui Gon. He didn’t want to cause his love any more pain. He’d done plenty in the past.

The last thing that Qui Gon wanted to do was to keep hurting him. 

He had plenty of time to reflect on their past relationship once he was actually coherent enough to do so. Besides, it wasn’t as if he could sneak out and find himself an assignment. As short handed as the Jedi were, he doubted that anyone would be blind enough to ship him out. So he listened to the Medics for once and focused on first actually staying awake longer than ten minutes. Then later training with his new arm and strengthening his leg. 

The mind healing sessions with the healer had also had pushed him to take an honest look at their relationship if they were going to make an intimate and official one work. It was during the slow physiotherapy and moving slowly through the katas that he mulled over how he and Obi Wan had been with each other throughout the years since they had first met and become teacher and student.

He hadn’t always been the best master that someone as kind and as sensitive as Obi Wan needed. He could accept that the double disappointments of Xanatos and Tahl had broken him in so many ways that only years after he was able to recover from. He could accept that it had been Obi Wan being at his side that had facilitated that healing and had made it possible for them to fight Darth Maul and discover the Sith threat. 

Qui Gon sighed and looked down at the mark on his torso. It had been a close call. Too close and it had made him aware that he didn’t want to leave Obi Wan just yet. Yes, Anakin was the Chosen One and needed protection, but Obi Wan had kept him tethered to the world of the living long enough for help to arrive. He would not make the same mistakes of not communicating and thinking he was always right in all he was doing.

Especially not now that they had finally spoken what had been in their hearts for so long. 

He couldn’t get enough of Obi Wan once they had spoken what was in their hearts. The war raged on and his presence was a blow that they would have to scramble to recover from. And no doubt, Obi Wan and Anakin and even Ahsoka and Shaak Ti would be called to fill it. Their time together would be short and he wasn’t willing to waste anymore of it. He wanted to keep Obi Wan to himself until the last possible moment. 

But Obi Wan had finally insisted on letting the real world in by first telling Anakin and Ahsoka where he and Qui Gon stood, and then by preparing for their next mission. 

“As much as I don’t want to ever say goodbye to you, I must. We have to serve in way that we can. That is our calling, after all.”

The words were so earnest and so Obi Wan that he couldn’t press the issue any longer. So he had agreed for them to finally rejoin the rest of the world outside what had become their shared bedroom.

He smiled a bit in recollection of what happened after as he pulled on a practice tunic and clipped his saber to his belt.

“About time. We were this close to locking you into a room together.”

Anakin had replied, much to Ahsoka’s amusement, the moment that they had entered the common room of Qui Gon and Anakin’s quarters hand in hand.

Obi Wan had looked vaguely affronted at this statement, making Qui Gon turn his head to hide exactly what he thought about Anakin’s sarcasm. Luckily Obi Wan was too busy being miffed to notice and he was able to smooth over the situation without much trouble. 

“Obi, love. We weren’t subtle. If Anakin noticed, well, then, we weren’t hiding it very well.”

Qui Gon soothed, making Anakin squawk out in outraged protest.

One which was quickly silenced by a levelled look from his former master. 

_ “Later.” _

It was quietly spoken over their bond, but Anakin understood and stood down, nudging Ahsoka to do the same and ignoring her wounded look when he gave her one of his own looks in return. 

“Come on Snips. We need to work on some of your lore and history classes.” He stood up and ignored the put upon sigh coming from Ahsoka. 

“Will you come back for dinner?”

Obi Wan inquired, making Anakin and Ahsoka’s moods brighten automatically and for Qui Gon to hide his face yet again. Of course those two would be thinking about food. Obi Wan had been the same. The only difference was that he often didn’t get it due to their hazardous missions. A remembrance that had made Qui Gon’s amusement evaporate rapidly. 

“I’ll make Bantha stew. How does that sound?”

Anakin’s eyes brightened at that and Ahsoka and Obi Wan let out happy sighs. 

“Very well then. Be back in three hours.”

Qui Gon had ordered, the words not even finished as Ahsoka and Anakin had shot out of their quarters, leaving him alone with Obi Wan.

“Shall we start cooking? I know it takes at least an hour and a half for the stew to be ready.”

Qui Gon hadn’t replied and instead, pulled Obi Wan close,kissing his neck and making him tilt his head back.

“Not yet. After all, there is a reason why I said three hours.”

He murmured, leading Obi Wan towards the couch, where Obi Wan laid out ready to receive him.

“ _ Oh.” _

It was a good memory. One that was holding him steady until Obi Wan’s next leave. He had made it memorable for his Obi, stripping quickly of his robes and worshipping his body as much as possible. He was sadly still too injured for all that he wanted to do, but he would make Obi Wan blissfully happy before he left.

Qui Gon swallowed and shifted a bit to will the start of his erection down. He couldn’t possibly go to his assigned mind healer appointment and then training with a stiff cock. So he waited until the crisis was averted and headed out, thinking of other things but the appointment.

It had been the appointments that had started to make him reflect more on how he should approach the changing relationship between himself and Obi Wan. Not to mention the uncertain future that hung over his head. 

Thinking about his narrowed prospects as a Jedi had done the trick and he was able to go to the mind healer’s office, his thoughts pessimistic as he wondered what Healer Naredi would tell him today. Something that would be a good compromise, he honestly hoped.

He wasn’t delusional enough to assume that he’d be cleared for combat again. As much work as he’d done with getting himself back up to near pre-injury levels, he wasn’t the same fighter as before. He had seen it in the training salles and in his training duels. A fraction of a second could determine the outcome of a fight. His arm could malfunction. His leg could give out. 

Worse, his sight was badly impaired and his hearing was less than twenty-five percent on his left side. He didn’t want to admit it, but after getting soundly thrashed by Mace and Shaak Ti, he had to accept the bitter truth. 

He wasn’t going to be going back onto the battlefield, or on the field ever again. Maybe as a second backup, but that would be it. 

And the idea filled him with rage. 

Not at Obi Wan, but at the way that life had turned out.

Especially since he had honestly expected to  _ die _ the second that the heat of the explosion had hit him. 

Qui Gon hadn’t ever told Obi Wan that he remembered those moments after the bomb had exploded. The deafness, the darkness on the left side of his vision and the rawness of his burnt skin. He had known his arm was gone and he was bleeding out. He was dying.

And he was fine with that. Especially when he had seen Obi Wan and Anakin, battered and stunned, but alive. He had been ready to go, since he had saved his love. 

He had planned for this eventuality happening. Giving his life to one of the persons he loved and held in such high esteem. Obi Wan had always been the better of them and he had been glad to give up his life for him.

He should have died, but it was Anakin’s fierce determination that had saved him.

_ “You won’t die on me, you hear? You won’t! I couldn’t save her, but I’ll be karked if I don’t save  _ you _!!” _

_ The words had come in with the force of his attacks and Qui Gon had only watched as Anakin had tied his belt around the pulp of what had once been an arm.  _

_ He had sighed as Anakin pushed as much of his life force into him, slowing the blood and giving him more than just a fighting chance.  _

_ There was no way he would die here, Qui Gon realised as Anakin stubbornly kept him conscious until the Medics got there.  _

_ Anakin wouldn’t let him.  _

_ And who was the woman he couldn’t save? _

Qui Gon’s mouth pressed itself into a thin line as he walked past their living quarters and into the medical wing. He did nod politely at the few Jedi and padawan he ran into, but his mind and signature were miles away from the usual warm and welcoming one he usually projected. 

He did release the negative feelings into the Force and felt calmer about the situation. 

“Live in the moment.”

He counselled himself before stepping into the room and greeting the  Red skinned Togruta woman gracefully perched on a chair already.

“Welcome, Master Jinn. How are you?”

~*~*~*~*~

Ahsoka eyed the stack of data pads and flimsy books in front of her and stifled a groan. 

She had known that she wasn’t doing well in her history and lore classes, but she hadn’t realised how badly she was doing. She was ten points away from passing and needed to do the extra credit essay or else she’d have no hope of scraping by. Not to mention that she had also failed her theoretical physics final and her only hope of making it out was to do a paper on the effects of string theory on time mechanics. 

She sighed and rubbed her lekku in a self-comforting gesture that she knew was ultimately futile. She had to get this done, or else she’d be barred from her trials and she didn’t want to be left behind. As much as she loved Skyguy and Obi Wan and Qui Gon, she really needed to be out of their shadows and strike out her path. 

She chewed on her bottom lip as she looked at the data pads and books yet again and sighed. There was no getting around it. She at least had to start, since staring at the data pads wasn’t going to get her work done any faster. 

Sighing, she grabbed her stylus and pulled the first data pad and the flimsy book out and started to delve deep into the history and lore assignment. 

She wasn’t feeling  _ quite _ brave enough to tackle theoretical physics just yet. 

Ahsoka bent her head and got to work, struggling through the walls of text that occasionally would blur together. Or worse, become meaningless and force her to have to read the same information at least three times to annotate it for her project. She ploughed through the first data pad, then the second one, until she looked down at her notes and saw that she had barely made any headway. 

She honestly wanted to kick over the table and walk out of the archives and head to the training salles to work out her frustration. She was sorely tempted, as she side-eyed the stack that still sat there waiting for her to pick up. She let out a huff of annoyance and rubbed her forehead as she calculated exactly how many days she had left on her deadline. 

She was fed up and reaching her limit for sitting down and working through work that made almost no sense to her at the moment. Work that she needed to get her schooling done. She growled a soft little growl as she looked at the chrono in the Archives and saw that only two standard hours had passed with almost no real gains to be made. 

She was about to push away from the table and just say kark it all and come back tomorrow, when she felt the familiar, if somewhat turbulent force signature of her grandmaster. Except that she couldn’t find him, even with her mastery of the force. She craned her neck to find him and was looking into the darkened archive section when she felt it right in front of her. She looked up in time to see Qui Gon gracefully sit in the chair across from her.

She frowned slightly at the sight of him, since his short hair was mussed up and spiking out on one side. There was a bruise blooming above his blind eye, a contusion across his cheekbone, and his left sleeve was empty.  This, out of everything else, made Ahsoka worry. 

Qui Gon caught her looking and shrugged, colouring slightly under her scrutiny.

“I broke the elbow and fried the circuits sparring today.”

He admitted sheepishly. “I won’t have it back for a week.”

Ashoka raised an eyebrow at that, but wisely kept quiet. She knew that he had been pushing himself far too often, accidentally overhearing Anakin complain at having to reinforce the circuitry on Qui Gon’s arm  _ again _ . For him to have outright shattered the arm, she could only imagine what kind of no holds barred sparring he had been involved in. 

He was calm, his good eye fixed upon her with the usual serenity that she was used to, but she knew that there was more to how he was feeling than what he was projecting. She had been around Anakin long enough to know the signs of inner turmoil and debated keeping quiet or flat out asking why he had suddenly lashed out like he had always counselled his padawans to  _ not _ do. She was going to keep quiet, but much to her chagrin, she found herself doing the exact thing that she hadn’t wanted to do.

“So any reason as to why you threw a bigger fit than even Skyguy could? He’s never demolished his arm to require that many repairs. Doing that takes some skill.”

Qui Gon glared balefully at her, picking up one of the data pads and glancing it, not saying anything for a long time. The silence stretched out for a long time. Long enough to make Ahsoka  start to fidget and come up with an excuse to extricate herself from what was starting to become an awkward. She had just come up with something utterly trivial, like going to look at her ship when Qui Gon finally spoke. 

“I found out that I’m temple bound now. I’ll probably be assigned to the Educorps after this.”

He gave the data pad a small lopsided smile that only just covered the pain and the anger at the outcome. 

Ahsoka inhaled sharply. Even though Anakin and Obi Wan had mentioned the possibility before they had been shipped out, Ahsoka hadn’t really thought of the possibility of it being really happening. She had seen Qui Gon and his training. He was still a force to be reckoned with despite what he had gone through. To hear he was being retired was a hard blow to deal with.

“Even though I expected it...It still hurts to know that I’m being pushed out. Sure, there’s always honour in service…”

He shook his head. “I’m...I’m sorry Ahsoka. That’s too much to dump on you. It’s not-”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m...I’m glad you told me. Told someone. Is that why you busted your arm?”

Qui Gon nodded, utterly chagrined. 

“I went straight to the salles after releasing my emotions to the Force didn’t work out. Master Vos was the one that dealt the critical blow.”

Ahsoka laughed. She couldn’t help it. She could picture the scene all too well: Master Vos smirking as he stood over an utterly shocked Qui Gon and the remains of the arm on the training floor. 

Qui Gon looked affronted at first, but then shrugged and gave her a tight lipped grin. 

“Was it worth it?”

She asked as she waited for his answer. Even though she was a decorated general, she was aware that she lacked the emotional maturity to deal with her grandmaster breaking down in front of her. So the next answer would determine whether she would be calling his mind healer to fetch him for an intense session.

He nodded and put the data pad down to look, really look at her. 

“Breaking my arm and having to humble myself for help in certain tasks until it is fixed? Certainly did NOT make it worth it.Relearning that raging against the will of the Force gets me nowhere except a painful time for myself and the people I love? Yes, that did.”

He made a face then. “Healer Naredi won’t be happy about the damage when we meet in three days, but I’m sure she’ll be pleased that I got something out of the wreckage.”

Ahsoka breathed a sigh of relief. Although it was a bit worrying that the usually serene Qui Gon Jinn had thrown a fit worthy of Anakin Skywalker, it had helped him. She had seen the same calm in her Master and understood. It wasn’t her way, nor was it Obi Wan’s, but she got it. 

She was also utterly relieved that she didn’t have to get the mind healers or message a concerned Obi Wan and Skyguy. Both had been reluctant to leave on their latest tour. Obi Wan more so. He had had a front row seat the last time that Qui Gon had broken and didn’t want a repeat of the experience. 

He had started to get wary when Qui Gon had been calm. Too calm during the entire transition from field operative, to patient, to convalescent. He had wanted to stay, but Qui Gon had assured him he was well and that duty called. Anakin had only given him an undecipherable look, but left him to it. 

And now, seeing him there, his expression almost normal made her glad that the storm was more or less passing and it wasn’t going to turn into something worse.

The mood had turned and it was then that Ahsoka had realised that the focus had shifted onto her now. 

“If you don’t mind me prying: What are you working on? I’m surprised that you weren’t sent back to the front again.”

Ahsoka sighed and tugged on her lekku as she gestured towards the stacks of information. 

“I’m failing two courses. I need to write a paper for Theoretical Physics and do a project on History and Lore, or else I can’t be eligible for the trials. I’ve been trying, but it just isn’t going anywhere. I was just about to go to the training salles when you showed up.”

Qui Gon nodded as he started to shift through the stacks one handed. 

“Well, I wouldn’t recommend going to the salles now.”

The comment was so bland that Ahsoka sent him a querying look that Qui Gon returned with a guileless one of his own that didn’t fool her for a second.

He shifted in his seat before tapping one of the data pads. 

“I could help you get your coursework done. I used to help Obi Wan and Anakin out when they were stuck. And we could go to Dex’s for dinner after. Would you be interested?”

Ahsoka blinked at the offer. Was she ever! She deflated though, once she realised that maybe she was imposing on him and his free time. Or maybe he was offering because he felt like he needed to pay her back for listening to him.

Qui Gon must have read her thoughts at that, since he smirked.

“Ahsoka, it’s an offer for help with no strings attached. I’ve been sitting over there, sulking and watching you struggle. I can help, that’s why I offered. Besides, whether you believe it or not, you’re also helping me. Now what do you want to tackle first?”

~*~*~*~*~

“I can’t believe that I missed that small bit about string theory! If I had gotten that, I would have gotten it done cycles ago!”

Ahsoka exclaimed as she happily tucked into the different meat stir fry that Dex had made specially for her, spicing it well enough to make her eyes water and need Bantha milk to wash it down with. 

“It’s usually the small things that trip you up.” 

Qui Gon agreed as he tucked into his own stir fry that had root vegetables and tubers added to it. His wasn’t as spicy, but savoury enough for him to wolf it down and get another helping while Ahsoka was just halfway done through hers. 

But it wasn’t just the spice that slowed down her eating, but the excited and happy chatter that bordered on giddy. After Qui Gon’s patient tutoring, she had  _ finally _ figured out where her essay had fallen apart. A missed theory and calculation and once Qui Gon had showed her how to fix it, she had whizzed through the rest. 

It just needed to be proofread before she sent it to her teacher. She would have done it, but Master Nu had politely told them that the common room was closing and they were welcome to come back tomorrow.  Ahsoka had been disappointed, but it was a short lived one after she had sat down across from Qui Gon and dug into her food. 

It was something that she’d never have believed she’d be doing with her grandmaster, but she found that she enjoyed the time that they were spending together. Qui Gon was slyly funny and his dry observations made her smile and feel more at ease and more like a teenage girl rather than a battle-hardened general.  The patient tutoring and help with her assignments, plus the food didn’t hurt either. 

She found that it eased the anticipation to join the battle beside her battalion and Skyguy. In fact, she found herself grudgingly counting the days and hoping that they would be enough to spend time with Qui Gon once her assignments were done and submitted. 

“Live in the moment, Ahsoka. There’s no sense in tainting the enjoyment of now.”

Qui Gon’s voice broke into her thoughts, making her blush a little. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just that...I’m enjoying this. I don’t think we’ve ever really spent time like this together. It’s nice and I want more time.”

Qui Gon smiled. 

“So do I. You’re a remarkable young woman and I am quite happy and proud to claim you for my line. Let’s enjoy this and not worry for the times to come. They will.”

Ahsoka’s blush got deeper and she looked down at her nearly finished meal. It was sweet and she felt oddly pleased that such a revered Master felt that way. It did a lot to boost up her battered self esteem.

“Thank you.”

Qui Gon smiled again and signalled Dex. 

“Now as much as I’d like for this to not end, you do have a curfew.”

Ahsoka pouted, but quickly ate up the last of her food and tried to pay, but Qui Gon wouldn’t hear of it. 

“Get me a meal next time.”

Qui Gon suggested as they exited Dex’s and Ahsoka nodded to herself, making a mental note of it. 

Qui Gon smiled and looked up to see if he could find an air cab.

And nearly tripping on his face when his foot touched a soft body and he heard a whimper. 

He stumbled, nearly falling if it hadn’t been for Ahsoka grabbing him at the last minute. 

“What was it?”

Ahsoka asked as Qui Gon used the Living Force to calm the little fluff ball that nearly tripped him. He bent down and picked it up and smiled at the dirty violet thing.

“A tooka?”

The little tooka, hardly more than a baby, curled up, whimpering as Qui Gon and Ahsoka inspected it. 

“Probably wandered off from its mother. Poor thing.”

Ahsoka murmured as she reached out and tentatively stroked its head, making it whimper again and make itself smaller.

Qui Gon made soft murmuring noises to it before he tucked it into his tunic, while Ahsoka raised an eyebrow.

He shrugged and hailed an air cab. 

“Everyone needs a hobby, I guess.” 

Ahsoka muttered to herself as she followed him into the cab and they were on their way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obi Wan- I actively also made Obi Wan and Anakin AWOL due to not wanting to have Obi Wan as Qui Gon's emotional punching bag. Yes, relationships are built on mutual support, but Qui Gon needs to get his own shit together.   
> Qui Gon's fit-He's suppressed so much stuff he had to snap. At least it was in a healthy manner? I also made him go and talk to someone, rather than having him tough it out. It's just not good.  
> Ahsoka-She's a practical intelligence, so academics would frustrate her. Enter Qui Gon to do his magic, which was totally inspired by "The Commuter" character.


	3. I've Seen The Birthplace Of the Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahsoka sees a different kind of life after dealing with Qui Gon and breaks down as the horrors of war mount upon her shoulders, making Qui Gon come to a decision that would affect everything between everyone within their circle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This kind of became a bigger chapter than expected and will be split into two parts. Thematically, it made sense to do so. I do apologise for the delay, but my weeks have been mad and I lost the thread of this that I just found back. 
> 
> Qui Gon in this becomes kind of like the granddad that Ahsoka really needed and this in turns, affects how she deals with the PTSD and the war trauma.
> 
> Proofed, but if things are missed, they will be changed. Title is from Manic Street Preachers "Show me the wonder"

Ahsoka bounced impatiently from foot to foot as she waited for Master Qui Gon to open the doors to his and Skyguy’s quarters. She wasn’t usually so impatient, but she had news to share with Master Qui Gon. The newest communication packet had come through and she wanted to share not just the notes that no doubt Master Obi Wan and Anakin had put in for him, but also her own academic scores. 

And her own possible return to the battlefield. 

Somewhere that she was actually not as eager as to return to, despite her working feverishly to get her courses done now that she understood the material that had been bogging her down. At least until Qui Gon had taken her in hand and unravelled the tangles she couldn’t do herself. She dreaded it, if she was honest. Especially now that she had gotten to know Qui Gon so well and would have to leave him for who knew how long.

She didn’t want for this newly found intimacy to end. Despite him being Master Obi Wan and to some extent, Skyguy’s master, they hadn’t really worked or seen each other as much as that relationship would have implied. And now that she had gotten to know him, she was reluctant to go. Especially since he was no longer out there with them.

He was grounded permanently and would be serving in the Educorps, something that had made him wince and his bad eye twitch when it had finally come through. He hadn’t been able to read the rest. His eye not focusing the moment he had seen the Educorps logo on the flimsi. So Ahsoka had done it for him and made him breathe a sigh of relief once she got to the end. He wouldn’t be in the archives, but in the classroom getting newly knighted Jedi ready to go out into the field.

Something he had more or less being doing already, in Ahsoka’s opinion. He had helped her immensely and if he would hurry up, she’d be able to tell him just that. She calling him when the door slid open to reveal a barely awake and puzzled Qui Gon. An expression that went away when he saw Ahsoka. 

“I’m terribly sorry to keep you waiting, little one! I must have lost track of time. Please come in. I’ll be ready shortly.”

Ahsoka nodded and followed him inside.

“Losing track of time old man? It’s not like you.”

Qui Gon glared, the milky eye making him look a bit too sinister for her liking. Sort of like a Corellian Pirate chasing an enormous bounty and nothing to lose in doing so. She shivered slightly, but said nothing as Qui Gon snorted and went into his room. 

“More like staying up late trying to figure out some algorithms that Mace asked to have ready for you and the troops when you go back.”

Qui Gon shot back over his shoulder before he disappeared into his room. Ahsoka was left to her own devices in the living room, trying to not listen to the sounds of Qui Gon in the fresher. To distract herself, she looked over to the schematics he was working on and felt a small pang of amusement at him using something old fashioned as flimsy. Skyguy loved tech and Obi Wan was a mix of both, using tech when necessary, but preferring flimsy. 

She wondered where he had picked that trait and now she understood. Especially after spending more time with Qui Gon. She had to admit that there was a beauty to the simplicity of the pages.

She also finally figured out, as she spied a handsomely bound leather volume sitting on the edge of the table, who had given Obi Wan his own battered volume. She didn’t think she was overly sappy or romantic, but she did think it was sweet that both men shared something so intimate and symbolic of the relationship that they couldn’t openly display in public. She rubbed her forehead and wondered if she’d ever have something like they did. Or even how Anakin and Padme were around each other, despite it skirting something that shouldn’t and couldn’t ever be. 

“Alright, lead the way, Ahsoka.” 

Her head jerked up at his low, even gravelier voice. His bad hearing had made him lose some of his modulation and he sometimes sounded overly loud when he didn’t wear his hearing aid. Like tonight, Ahsoka noticed as she subtly checked for the small device he usually hid behind his growing out hair. 

It was more grey and white than brown, but no one cared. The only gripe Qui Gon seemed to have was that it made him remember the awkward years of his early knighthood. 

Years that Ahsoka delighted in listening to, since it seemed like the young Qui Gon couldn’t come across a mess that he couldn’t resist fixing. Or strays that needed picking up and being taken care of. 

“Where’s Fia?”

She asked as she watched Qui Gon pull on his cloak and make sure that he had his saber and comm clipped to his belt. He looked into his pouch, completely oblivious and Ahsoka groaned. Of course. She was standing on his blind and deaf side. 

She moved and asked her question again, startling him and making him blink a couple of times before he grinned and went to pick up a violently purple ball of fur, who unrolled and yawned when she was in her master’s hands. She gave a small mewl of pleasure before licking Qui Gon’s hand, watching calmly as he tucked her into the inner pocket of his robes. 

“She still likes that?”

Ahsoka asked as they exited and made their way to Dex’s, Fia’s purring filling up the back of the air cab that they had been lucky to get on the first try.

Qui Gon grinned. “Very much so. I can’t tell if it’s the warmth or the nearness that she craves. She sleeps by my head most nights.”

Ahsoka grinned. “Makes it easier to get through the nights without Obi Wan, does it?”

Qui Gon only gave her a sidelong glance at that, looking every bit the stern master. Or would have if it hadn’t been for the small smile that was curving up the corners of his lips. 

“Just like finishing up your Quantum mechanics course does the same for you without Anakin and Rex, am I right?”

Ahsoka scowled at that. “Low blow, Master.”

Qui Gon shrugged and got out once they had stopped in front of Dex’s.

“How is it when I scored? And I’m getting dinner from that too, right?”

Qui Gon asked, raising an eyebrow and failing to look innocent, making Ahsoka laugh despite being stung by the accuracy of the remarks.

She didn’t miss the battlefield as much as she missed being with her master and Rex. A master that talked to her and taught her things, rather than one that kept her at arm’s length. Something that the more she thought about, the more she realised she hadn’t been getting from Anakin. Rex had been the one that was taking that spot, she realised. She didn’t realise she had been missing it from Anakin and that Rex had taken that spot until she had spent her sixth tutoring session with Qui Gon.

She also realised that it wasn’t what she wanted from Anakin or Rex. Especially not now that she was getting the Master and Padawan relationship she had been needing and craving from Qui Gon. Rex had come close, but it wasn’t the same. Especially not when it would be possible that she’d have to send him to die on a campaign. Qui Gon was safe. Qui Gon was what she had been looking for.

“Speaking of your courses, how did you do?”

He asked the moment after they had sat down and gotten their orders. 

Ahsoka’s face lit up as she grabbed her grub sticks and brought the meats and proteins closer to her.

“All passed with good marks! I just need to be nominated for my trials and I’ll be a knight!”

Qui Gon clapped a hand on her shoulder, his face flush with pride and pleasure at the news.

“That’s great news indeed! I’m so proud of you, as will Obi Wan and Anakin once they find out! I’m pleased with your progress and your hard work deserves a reward.”

He looked at her and to the menu. 

“What will it be? Or do you want to collect your reward later?”

Ahsoka swallowed, trying to not give into the tears that she felt gathering at the corners of her eyes. She did get some praise from Skyguy in the field, but they were in the middle of war. It wasn’t as if he could take the time that Qui Gon could.

Plus he was quite taken with Padme. It was a slow edging out, but she was all too aware that it was happening. Padme had become his priority and she, Ahsoka, was another element of being a Jedi and the war.

Rex did what he could, but being a clone, it wasn’t much. It didn’t mean she didn’t treasure his words or company, but she understood the limits of his position. He did his best by her and she was utterly grateful for it.

She didn’t realise how much she had wanted to have a father figure acknowledge her achievements until she was sitting there, with Qui Gon looking at her as if she had single-handedly stopped the war. 

“Later. When I get back.”

She replied hoarsely. 

Qui Gon looked at her sharply before nodding to himself.

“As you wish. I will tell you though, it’s not a limited offer. This can continue whenever we both are free to do so. It’s not a fleeting thing, Ahsoka..”

Ahsoka nodded and took a few deep breaths before she released her anxiety and longing into the force. 

Qui Gon gave her a quick nod before he pushed a packet of prickly weed cured bantha jerky towards her, making her squeal in happiness. Anakin seldom let her have it, due to the effects of it on her a few hours after she would eat it and considered it a special treat. So to get a good sized packet was a boon, especially with the war dragging on as it had been.

“Shaak Ti said it’s fine for you to have some once in awhile and from what I recall from my time at the front, it has been a while. Just don’t let Anakin or Obi Wan know about it.”

Qui Gon reminded her as she tucked the packet into her utility belt pocket. 

“Oh trust me, I won’t.”

Qui Gon grinned at her matter of fact remark. “Good. Now eat up. I’m afraid we won’t have that much time left. The transport dates got moved up an hour.”

Ahsoka frowned at that. 

“I thought I’d want to leave, but after being here, with you and Fia and all the other Padawans...I don’t want to be a soldier any longer. I’m tired of sending good men to their deaths.”

She chewed on her bottom lip and looked at him with wide eyes, her breathing quickening and making the older man push his half eaten food away to reach over and take her hand. She shivered at the touch and looked down at this hands, the left looking almost exactly like the organic one on the right. Seeing the lines and nicks and scars on it made her think of another set of hands she had held before she had stopped his heart permanently.

Without taking her eyes off his hands, she started to speak. 

“His name was Pulsar and he was my friend. He wasn’t just a clone. He was my friend and I had to kill him or watch him die a painful death from the Blue Shadow.” 

She shuddered and Qui Gon made a soft noise of encouragement. 

“I stopped his heart. _ I had to kill my friend _ .”

The tears came and she abruptly yanked her hands from his grip and pressed the back of her hand against her nose in an effort to stop the tears that were pooling in the corners of her eyes.

She tried to stop the tears, but they still came. She covered her face and tried to stop her sobs. She was embarrassed to show what a child she was. How uncontrolled her emotions were in front of Master Qui Gon. She wiped her face roughly, and tried to release her emotions to the Force, but her grip on it was unsteady. She wanted to wail at the way that things were spiraling out of control, but she was frozen in her grief. 

So much so that she didn’t quite register when Qui Gon pulled her into his arms and folded her into a warm embrace, not saying anything until she had silently gotten her grief out of her system. She didn’t know how long they sat there, with him rubbing small circles into her back until she was able to pull away and nod to herself.

“Better?”

His voice was low and soothing, making her look at him and smile weakly. 

“Alright. Let’s just get going now. I think you can take one more day before you go. Would you like to hold Fia?”

Ahsoka nodded and Qui Gon pulled out the small Tooka from the neckline of his tunic and passed the curious feline to her. She took Fia with alacrity and tucked her into her own tunic. Fia purred and snuggled right into her. Ahsoka gave Fia a watery smile and let herself be led out by Qui Gon, the leftovers tucked under his arm as they did so. 

The aircab ride home was a blur and she barely recalled Qui Gon leading her into Skyguy’s old rooms, careful to lay Fia onto the pillow next to her head. She didn’t resist as he pulled off her boots and tucked her in.

“Sleep. Things will be better tomorrow. I swear.”

Qui Gon whispered, a sleep suggestion heavy in his words that sent her off into a dreamless sleep she so badly needed.

Qui Gon watched her sleep, glad that Fia was tucked up right next to her.

He had debated his decision for a while, but after seeing the utter emotional collapse of is grandpadawan, he knew he had to act. 

_ “I hope you can forgive me for this, Obi Wan, Anakin. I have to.” _


	4. Is It Too Much To Ask, To Disbelieve in Everything?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Qui Gon informs Ahsoka of her new role in the Order. Obi Wan and Anakin get called back due to new developments and Qui Gon and Obi Wan finally end up reaching an agreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second part of what was going to be one chapter. It also mutated into something different that came out after having a long conversation with Captain_Kiri_Storm in regards to treatment of the Clones and possible emancipation. Many thanks, since it added more layers to this story than it otherwise would have.
> 
> Proofed, but if mistakes appear they will be fixed later.
> 
> Title is still from "Show me the wonder" from The Manic Street Preachers.

Ahsoka opened her eyes and blearily looked around the room she was in. She was overly warm and the bed felt quite different. The licking of one of her montrals was also something utterly unexpected. She turned her head and smiled at the purple little ball of fluff that was busily licking whatever surface she could get at, which was now her cheek and lekku. 

“Fia?”

She drowsily murmured, receiving a happy chirp in return. She lay there, lazily reaching up to pet the little furball. As far as she knew, she didn’t have anything scheduled. She was on her own. Her orders would come soon enough, she guessed. Maybe in the afternoon or early evening. 

She glanced at the chrono on the wall and again remembered that this wasn’t her rooms. In fact, she realised as she looked at the discarded electronics on the desk, this was Anakin’s room.  She had been settled there by Master Qui Gon after her little…

She felt her face heat up and groaned in mortification as she recalled sobbing her heart out to Master Qui Gon in Dex’s diner. Even though she knew that he would never ask about it if she refused to discuss it and was the most understanding man she’d come to know, it still embarrassed her. She groaned, but didn’t move to cover her face as much as she wanted to. 

Despite the wetness of Fia’s tongue, she was warm and comfortable and safe. Things she hadn’t been in a long while. She lay there, enjoying the comforts when she heard a knock on the door. 

“Yes?”

She called out, wincing at the roughness of her voice. 

“It’s Qui Gon. I’ve got breakfast for the both of us.”

Ahsoka didn’t want to move, but her stomach rumbled, reminding her that she hadn’t really eaten that much yesterday. She  mourned the lack of dinner at that moment, since she had been all too aware of what not eating when you had the chance go you. She wasn’t going to continue her mistakes.

“Okay! I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Giving Fia an apologetic chirp, she eased out of bed and went to the fresher, washing last night’s remnants off and making herself look presentable. Apart from a few smudges around her eyes, she looked good. Better than she usually did at the front, at any rate. 

Nodding to herself, she pulled on her boots and picked up Fia, carefully tucking her into her shirt before exiting the room. She sighed in happiness at the delicious scent of hot breakfast and followed her nose to see Qui Gon had set out a veritable feast at the table. Said man was busy pouring out caf for her and tea for himself. Sapir, if she recalled correctly. 

“Oh! She stayed with you the whole night, did she?”

Qui Gon asked, starting a bit when he turned around and brought the drinks over. She cringed inwardly at making the same mistake. You’d think she would have learned to stay on his good side, but she tended to forget. Especially since she had worked so hard to hone her skills in stealth. 

Qui Gon smiled at her, guessing what she was thinking, and gave her the cup of caf.

“There’s sugar and cream there if you want it.”

He told her, chucking Fia under the chin when she emerged from Ahsoka’s shirt to chirp at him. 

“Thank you. For all of this.”

Qui Gon smiled and Ahsoka again felt the pang of seeing that ruined eye and face. This stupid karking war! She released her anger into the Force and instead focused on enjoying the last good breakfast she’d have before she’d go back to war again.

At that thought, she checked her comm and found no messages of arrival or departure. Nothing at all about the front. Not even a message from Rex. 

She chewed on her lip and looked at Qui Gon, wondering if he had anything to do with this. 

His eyes sharpened and he waved a hand for her to sit at the table.

“You’re not going back to the front. Neither is your battalion.”

Ahsoka blinked and only just managed to collapse into her chair at the news she had just been told. 

“H-How? I’m due to be back tonight? How did they rescind the orders? And my battalion? What about Rex and the others?”

Ahsoka cried out, making Fia jump off and land on the table, meowing her complaints at losing her comfy spot in Ahsoka’s shirt. 

Qui Gon’s face hardened, making Ahsoka want to recoil at the cold fierceness that radiated from him. She could see him now as he had been, leading his men into war with an icy fury that was only  _ just _ contained. He was always dangerous, Much more so when someone he cared about was in trouble. She had been too distraught to remember just that. 

“Rex and your battalion are fine. They are currently stationed around Padme’s home and the Royal Palace. Some are getting patched up for those that need it. Padme herself requested that they would stay in Naboo guarding her interests.”

Ahsoka covered her mouth with her hands, her eyes wide at the news. Padme had done that? Why had she-

“Why would she do that? Why should she go out of her way to do such a thing for them? It’s not like other people see them as humans worthy of respect and rights.”

Ahsoka asked bitterly.

“Because I reminded her of a debt she had needed to honour as well as giving her one way to bring this war to a close.”

He sat down across from her and took a sip of his mug, his eyes focused inwardly as he spoke.

“The Republic has gotten worse, not better. The Jedi are supposed to uphold peace and we are involved in a war. And not just adults, but  _ children _ . I’ve stood by long enough in an effort to maybe work within the system, but after seeing how much it has affected you, and Obi Wan and Anakin, it has to stop.”

He paused and reached into his tunic to fish out something that he put on the table and pushed it towards Ahsoka. 

“A chip?”

Qui Gon nodded and drank some more of his tea. 

“Fives found it. Rex checked himself out and found the same. Shaak Ti is investigating as we speak. But this, I’m afraid, bodes ill. Your troops were the closest at hand and they are getting examined. I can’t put my finger on it, but I think it is tied in with the Sith that I came across in Naboo.”

Ahsoka gasped and put it down, sliding it back to him. 

“Your duties have been transferred to here. Bariss will help you too. The Council has agreed to look into it. Shaak Ti will do her own work in Kamino. Padme and Bail Organa are doing their own work in the Senate. This ends. And I’ll be glad to help end it.”

He raised an eyebrow. “That’s if you want? I’d hate to presume?”

Ahsoka shook her head. “Not at all. When do we start?”

~*~*~*~*~

Obi Wan rubbed his eyes tiredly as he tossed the datapad onto his makeshift desk and stood up, cracking back and rotating his neck to ease the kinks out. The tooka he had picked up earlier, Violet, was sitting on the corner of his desk and simply gave a soft “mrow.” before curling up tighter and going back to sleep. He had been hunched over his desk trying to come up with different attack algorithms per Cody’s design and so far, hadn’t. He was vaguely annoyed that he hadn’t been able to come up with something during the enforced wait for another battle, despite knowing that it wasn’t  _ quite  _ expected of him right at that moment. 

He still wanted to be ready, since he wasn’t about to have as many casualties as the last time. Even though he accepted it, it didn’t mean that he had gotten used to it. Frowning, his hands went to the river stone that now lived in a pouch of his utility belt. He took it out and started to turn it over and over in his hands as he mulled over possible combinations to send the fighters and squadrons in.

After a few moments, the numbers and rapid calculations fell away from his mind as the stone started to light up and hum softly, channelling the Force and calming him. It wasn’t quite the same as having Qui Gon in the same system as he was. Or the nearest one, ready to act as his back up, but it was close enough. 

He needed this right now. He needed an oasis of calm in the middle of a war that was increasingly turning into something he didn’t recognise or understand. His men were dying, Anakin was starting to distance himself further away from him. He wasn’t sure if he was going to see Ahsoka on the battlefield again. 

Pulsar’s death has done a number on her and he would have ordered her back home himself if Anakin hadn’t done so first. Granted, it was for Academic requirements, but it had been a much needed break. It would help her heal up and shore her defences before needing to get back into the ugly fray of war once again. It wasn’t his ideal, but it would be better than nothing.

He thought it had somewhat worked when he saw the packets from Qui Gon where he’d give him some updates and send holos of Fia and his students. Holos which featured a much more relaxed and carefree Ahsoka in them. Some had clearly been taken by others, which showed Qui Gon and Ahsoka talking together, so engrossed in their tasks or conversation nothing else existed outside of themselves.

It was those holos that made him breathe a sigh of relief and a weight fall off his already overburdened shoulders. 

(He’d never admit it to anyone, but he’d also show them to Violet, who was highly interested in Fia. Obi Wan had to wonder about the odds of him and Qui Gon picking up tookas. They’d never live it down. He’d already made Anakin promise to not breathe a word of the videos on pain of death.)

He had worried over Qui Gon so much after having had to leave him half healed. He knew that the calmness was a facade that would break and Qui Gon would need help. He had braced himself to be just that for him and had made contingency plans for it. He was ready to scramble and pick up the pieces as he had before.

Except this time, it hasn’t been the case. Qui Gon was well. Battered and slightly damaged around the edges, but well. Other than pulverising his arm, it was going far better than Obi Wan had ever dared to hope and dream. Qui Gon picking up Fia AND Ahsoka was evidence of that.

In fact, he had to admit that she was looking far better than she had when she was under Anakin’s tutelage. Qui Gon had helped her as much as she had helped him. He would be better than when he had left him.

And the knowledge made him admit, albeit privately, how much he wanted to see Qui Gon again. Just like how desperately he missed Qui Gon.

He missed him more than he had ever thought possible and it worried him, this dependence on him. This need to be with him and have him close. He hadn’t been this sunk into his feelings for years. Not even Satine had gotten under his skin like Qui Gon.

He had to have distance and be objective or he’d get himself killed out there. He wasn’t focusing as much as he should have and he wasn’t going to be responsible for sending men to useless deaths. 

So he gathered himself up and used the stone as a focal point to channel his turmoil into the Force.

Once he had, he was startled into consciousness by a sharp pulsing on the bond he shared with Anakin and someone entering his quarters. He turned around and saw a livid Anakin standing there with a data packet in his hand.

“Anakin? Is it bad news?”

Anakin laugher hollowly, without any humour as he handed the data packet over.

Obi Wan scanned it rapidly and swore in Huttese at the missive.

He had known something had been going on at Kamino. Rex had voiced his suspicions and had gone ahead to get Fives out and safe. Alpha and Wolffe had similar stories.

They had to act and act fast.

“We needed the break anyway. Tell the troops we’re going back.”

Anakin nodded, anger tightening his mouth as he did and left soon after.

Obi Wan sighed, rubbing his forehead and putting the stone back into its pouch.

_ “I wanted to see you, but not like this, Qui.” _

An answering flicker pulsed along their connection, making Obi Wan smile wanly to himself. 

What else could he expect from Qui Gon though? 

He shook his head and went back to the abandoned algorithms and looked at them. He was about to start packing them away when he noticed what eluded him.

He huffed a laugh and shook his head as he went to make the corrections and added the notes before sending it all to Cody.

At least he got that sorted.

~*~*~*~*~

Anakin has expected many things when he had gone to Padme’s apartment.

For her to be home. Or out. Or working on another motion to present to the senate. Or simply chatting with Sabé or Dormé.

He hadn’t been expecting for Qui Gon and Obi Wan and Ahsoka to also be there, data pads and flimsy scattered across her table along with cups of caf or tea amongst them.

He also hadn’t expected the Tookas that were happily snoozing in Padme’s arms as she sat back and stroked the violet fur. It was domesticity that he hadn’t bargained for and had to admit irritated him some. He had expected to spend time with her alone, not to deal with his Masters, apprentice, politics and a Tooka. No, make that  _ two _ Tookas sleeping in Padme’s arms.

He reined his frustration in as well as he could, but the coolly appraising look in Qui Gon’s eye made him realise he hadn’t done it well enough. He also knew that Qui Gon would talk to him about Padme. He sighed inwardly, but didn’t show his annoyance. He knew the time was coming.

He just hated that it was coming at such an awkward time.

Especially since Fives and Rex had found out about the chips in all the clones. As well as how Palpatine was starting to withdraw from the Senate and become less and less insistent on democracy and more willing to be an emperor. Anakin didn’t want to see it, the kind old man that had been kind to him in a very distant way, but it was obvious.

Even as enthralled as he was with Padme, he had learned Qui Gon and Obi Wan’s lessons well. Palpatine was up to something. Something worse than Dooku and the Separatists combined.

The chips in the clones were tied to it. He was sure of it. Exactly how, that he didn’t have just yet.

He would have to talk to Qui Gon and Obi Wan about that and see if they could help him connect the frustratingly elusive lines that were tying everything together. He needed to find it all so that they could find an end to the war and he could step away from the Order with a clean conscience. It was time to step back and away. 

He was losing his faith in the Order the longer he was in it. Hiding his relationship with Padme was taking a toll on him and he was all too painfully aware of how much it was wrecking Obi Wan and Ahsoka as it went on. He was also too aware of how his old master had been shunted aside once he was deemed useless to the Order and the callous treatment of the Clones. 

He could see it too, in the dispatches home, that Obi Wan, as much as it was hurting him to admit it, was losing faith in the Order as well. Qui Gon had kept his own council until Ahsoka had come to him and saw that there was a different way of living. Her breakdown was something Anakin regretted not having been able to walk her through and he privately had to admit that he had kriffed that up and kriffed it up hard. 

He realised that he had been standing there, watching the interplay of the people he considered family for several minutes, not moving until Qui Gon came up to him and snapped him out of his musings. 

“Ah! Anakin! Perfect timing! Walk with your old Master for a bit.”

Qui Gon smoothly intercepted him, throwing an arm around his former apprentice’s shoulders and leading him out of the room, not disturbing anyone else. 

Anakin accepted it without complaint, knowing full well that he simply couldn’t be petty or throw a temper tantrum and walk away as he had done several times in front of Obi Wan and Padme, much to his chagrin. He knew he had been childish, but his temper had been bad and he  _ had  _ apologised, but walking with Qui Gon made him recall it and made him determined to be an adult no matter what his erstwhile Master would say to him. 

“I know that you were looking forward to seeing her alone. She is your wife, after all.”

Qui Gon stated, looking straight ahead and making Anakin stumble over his own feet in shock.

Qui Gon shook his head and looked at him with a small smirk.

“Just because I didn’t say anything, it didn’t mean I didn’t know. In fact, I think the whole platoon knows. You’re not subtle.”

Anakin turned bright red at that, making Qui Gon pull him closer before letting go.

“And I can’t lecture you on something that I’m doing myself. Just like I’m not going to insult your intelligence by persuading you to stay in a broken system.”

Anakin started at that mild comment, making Qui Gon look at him with the same placid and unscruitable expression he would have whenever he wanted Anakin to think further and elaborate on the situation at hand. Anakin’s brow furrowed as he worked it through.

“What made you change your mind, Master?”

Qui Gon nodded to himself.

“Ashoka. A seventeen year old girl shouldn’t have such burdens on her shoulders. Or have them be so heavy that they nearly crush her utterly. Nor should we be using human beings as tools to win an unwinnable war.”

Anakin bit his lip.

“I thought this is what I would do for the rest of my life. I really did. But-”

“Then Padme, right?”

Anakin shrugged. “Partly. And also what happened with you. And how you have to hide. Ahsoka too. And the Clones. The chips are connected to something. Maybe the Chancellor? I can’t place it.”

Qui Gon’s eyes darkened at that comment.

“Obi Wan and Padme thought so. Rex and Ahsoka have been working with the Cloners to track who put in the order for the chips. And I suspected as much when I was looking through the records. Something doesn’t add up. I’ve already tipped Mace and the Council.”

Anakin snorted.

“And how’s that going?”

Qui Gon grinned mirthlessly. “As well as can be expected, but there’s movement. Master Yoda has his suspicions and will send Master Vos and Master Koon to investigate his leads.”

Anakin nodded and hummed in agreement. 

“And Padme has tabled and pushed a motion through the Senate with Bail Organa’s help to emancipate Ahsoka’s battalion. The Council folded when Shaak Ti and Padme threatened to go to the holonews once the chips and the programming came to light.  _ That _ got enough traction for the Council and the motion to proceed. The Senate doesn’t need anymore bad press. This war is costing far too much.”

Qui Gon rubbed his face and sighed, making Anakin stop and put his hand on Qui Gon’s arm. 

The older Master looked up and held his gaze, taking comfort in Anakin knowing exactly how much the war was costing all of them: Good men, limbs, sanity even.

He sighed again and let go of Anakin, who awkwardly patted his arm and let him go as well.

“So who is pushing this initiative to rehome the veterans and where will they live?”

Qui Gon smiled that close lipped smile that Anakin liked, the one that nearly made Qui Gon’s eyes disappear in his face. It didn’t come out often, but when it did, it made Anakin warm and think that everything will be well. How, he wasn’t sure, but Qui Gon, with Obi Wan’s help, always tried his best. 

“Padme, Breha Organa,Ahsoka, and myself. Dantooine is looking like the best candidate, but Yavin IV has also stepped up if need be. The relocation and infrastructure package no doubt has something to do with that. But we can’t look a gift eopie in the mouth, can we?”

Anakin blinked at hearing how much work had been done while he and Obi Wan tried to push back Dooku and the Separatists. He knew that Ahsoka and Padme were skilled, but not exactly how skilled. To have all that planned out to the minute details made him pleased and proud that he was associated with such strong women. 

“So you will leave then? Both you and Obi Wan? Once it is all done?”

Qui Gon sighed heavily. 

“I will. I haven’t much to offer them any longer. Even my teaching has raised issues with some of the council. I’m a relic best forgotten. I need to go. I won’t force Obi Wan to come, but I’d rather he did. I love him, but I won’t force him. It has always been his dream to be a Jedi. I won’t take that away from him”

Anakin’s eyes widened. “You’d let him go?”

Qui Gon’s face was drawn at the question, making him look older and more battered than he really was.

“I love him that much that I would. Yes.”

Anakin reeled back, feeling as if he had been struck with a heavy blow. To love someone that much to let them go...He hadn’t ever considered it between himself and Padme. He didn’t want to let her go. She was the one for him. Yet he could see that despite the pain it would cause him, Qui Gon was ready to let Obi Wan go if he needed to. 

Would he be able to do it? Walk away from Padme and Ahsoka, Obi Wan and Qui Gon if he needed to? He really didn’t know. 

“Maybe it won’t come to that, Master. Maybe-”

“What won’t come that?”

Both Master and Student turned to look at the speaker, who looked fairly unruffled at having come in the middle of a conversation that he had no doubt heard the tail end of.

Obi Wan looked calm and composed, but Qui Gon knew better. He could feel the turmoil blooming along the bond they shared and he knew that they too, would need to have a hard conversation between them.

Anakin too, knew that look. 

“By your leave, masters.”

Qui Gon gave him a small nod, as did Obi Wan, his being more distracted. 

Anakin left them with alacrity, both men barely noticing his exit, so intensely focused that they were on each other. 

Despite Obi Wan having arrived earlier, they hadn’t really had time to be alone together. They had only greeted each other before duties came first, The council, Padme, Ahsoka, all came first. They needed to put their house in order before they could continue. 

They stood an arm’s length apart, looking at each other and taking in the changes within each other-The wounds, the scars, the exhaustion, the new lines on their faces. The grey in their hair. 

For Obi Wan, it was noticing how Qui gon’s hair was nearly touching his shoulders and tied like he was always recalled. Other than the grey and some of the tightness around his eyes, he looked like he always did. He wondered vaguely how he himself had changed, but didn’t dwell on it as Qui Gon came forward and pulled him into a tight embrace, kissing him softly, hungrily, as if he hadn’t tasted him in years, rather than months. 

Obi Wan sighed heavily into the kiss, regretting having to end it and pull away from him, even if it was for a brief moment. 

“How much did you hear?”

Qui Gon asked him, his gaze quiet as he waited for Obi Wan’s reply.

“Enough.”

Qui Gon nodded. “And?”

Obi Wan reached up and cupped his face with both of his hands, smiling gently at him.

“I appreciate your sentiments, but after nearly losing you twice, I’d never let you again. Ever. You’re stuck with me, Qui. No matter what happens. I’m with you.”

Qui Gon grinned, smiling widely at his mate, relief flooding him at the answer.

“I had hoped, but I didn’t want to assume. Being a Jedi knight was all you ever wanted. I didn’t want to-”

Obi Wan pulled him towards him and kissed him, roughly and forcefully.

_ “I wanted to be a Jedi, that’s true. Not at the cost of watching the Order become a military arm of a crumbling Republic. Or watching them send children to the front or good men die and become bitter. Watching you nearly die twice, being away from you has shown me that I have always wanted to be with you more. You’re mine, Qui Gon Jinn. I’ll never let you go. Never.” _

END.

 


End file.
